a chance or not.

to be with the one you love? or to be loved?

I wish to know the answer too. I’m sms-ing with Gordon right now, to talk about us. He always think that talking means breaking, but I told him it may not be the way it is. Talking may mean understanding the situation more.

I don’t want to break up without trying to talk to each other.

Melvin blamed me for giving him death penalty even before he was giving trial sessions. I agreed partially, as we seldom get much into heart-to-heart talk.

Another chance or not?

When problems are not solve when found, it accumulates. And now, it’s being filled with problems. So … ? Or maybe, this relationship shouldn’t even have started?

Why do parents talk to their children and give them advices, but mine doesn’t. Even if they does, I don’t know what to tell them. Do I tell them directly, you don’t like my boyf right? Or do I ask him, why did you all get married because my grandmother suffered from stroke? Or do I ask her, why did you know what he’s worst than a beast but you are still together with him?

Sorry that I sound mean, but if ugly truths were revealed. Much understanding would be known.

Sometimes, I just felt disgusted in this family.

turning 22nd.

Seems like I’m getting active in this blog. HAHA

It’s one and a half hour to my 22nd. I wouldn’t say that what I’m hoping will come true, as it says, “the higher hopes results higher disappointment”. I kind of still believe that this day is being, totally forgotten.

Birthday wish will still be the same, hope that everyone around will stay well and healthy((:

I don’t know why, but I felt that my 22nd birthday seemed more grand than my 21st. HAHA.

Yesterday, I told G that our relationship couldn’t work it out. He thinks that I think too much. Maybe, or not. I’ll still hang on till end of August. I cried when I tried to talk to him and let him know that this relationship was going nowhere, but I still couldn’t bear to break up with him. Reason: I don’t know why too. I don’t even know why I want to leave him when I say I will hang on as long as I can. Probably, limit has reached.

I just hope all things goes well.

lost.

I’m confused.

I’m not trying to contradict myself. BUT … all the timings and stuffs just happened during the periods. I can’t make the decision that I’m suppose to make, I can’t let myself fall into this pool of misery again.

Teach me how to be hardhearted. How long more must I give myself to prove all these wrong even though I was forced to give this up long ago. I thought I was the most fortunate person, but in the end I realised I’m the world’s most stupid person.

It’s just because I’m too selfish and self centered. I just don’t fit into this happiness and that I should shoulder all these craps by myself.

When can I learn to grow up?

breakdown.

I think I am going crazy soon with all the things that is happening around me. Someone, please kill me.

Work, is a total diaster. I was almost jobless, and somewhat I got back my job just because my friends wanted to better time to plan for a “revenge”. I DON’T LIKE TO WORK IN THIS KIND OF ENVIRONMENT. I’m scared that I’ll be like one of them. I was glad that I chose to leave, why did I agree to come back.

One for all, all for one. Well, easier to say than done. How long can a friendship last? In the end, we would still split and land up in different fields of industry. I just know, sooner or later our value to the company will get lesser. Afterall, we are just part timers. How important could we be.

I’ve been receiving “unknown” calls for quite some time. Maybe once a week? Intially, no thoughts came to my mind. But when these calls got frequent and each time, the caller chose to keep quiet and the background was really quiet. It’s has been like that all the time when I receive this mysterious call and I begin to wonder, was it from him. It might be concidence.

If it’s really you, why won’t you talk each time you called. You know, deep inside I want to talk to you. Each time I think of it, I felt like crying. Or rather I cried. I’ve already put in my very best to forget you, to stop this love, to convince myself how much I don’t need you.

I gave all my love for you to Gordon and yet, Gordon could have everything of me except my pure heart. I can’t love him like how I love you. I can’t give up everything for him. I did my very best to make my relationship with him work. I have positive feelings for him, I love him. But each time I see you, these feelings got lost and slowly finds it way back to him.

I don’t know what more I could do. I could only run away, and avoid.

我就快受不了了。 我好难过，可是又有谁能明白。你们只会说， “忘了他， 向前走”。 难道我不明白吗？ 我并不是没有尝试过。 我以经很努力了，我也很痛苦。 那又有谁懂。我躺在枕头下哭，又有谁能了解。 我以经五个月没和他连络了，难道这不够努力吗。 我没办法忘记他，我好累了。 有时，外表不能带表一切。

为什么我是个感情丰富的人。 为什么人生要经力这么多风风雨雨。 有些是，我明白，知道免强没辛福， 可是为何要我一次又一次的经力这些。我以经痛得不知如和是爱。和 Gordon 相处的日子，我都分不清是习惯还是爱。他是个好好先生，如果可能，我不会放手。我愿意留在一个爱我，不会伤害我的男人手了。 当然，我也不会在伤害他。 我对感情认命了。

我会以事业/学业为重。 事业能当饭食，爱情不能。 我不哭了，是时候做个22岁的成人了。

just some nags.

It’s been long since I last visited.

Looking back, it’s almost 3 months since we last spoken. I guess it’s a good thing as we both moved on even though we don’t speak to each other anymore. I still chose to avoid because I’m scared. I don’t know how to face him. I’m not mad at him, I just … afraid, probably.

Life still goes on no matter what. I chose this path, and I bear all the consequences of all.

July has it. I’m scared of this month actually. I remembered visiting a fortune teller, telling me lots of things. 27 days more to prove it wrong.

your 20th

Happy Birthday to you.

Never intended to wish you, since you have already “hated” me. Each time I see you avoiding me, each time I see you ignored me (I know I do the same too), I would feel you cutting me.

Each time i thought I had let go, and that I have moved on, I realised I actually didnt.

This is not love, I don’t know what is this.

This fate between us is horrible. I can’t face you at all. Each time I feel hurt, I would want to do something to hurt myself. (but of cos, I didnt)

I saw you leaving the card at your desk, without bringing it back. I felt disappointed.

I’m attached because of you, I’m single because of you and now … I’m again attached because of you. You never understand how much pain you caused me, you never know how much joy you bring me.

Have you ever wonder why people say some things in the spite of anger without going through their head? and after that, they regretted it? I know you never regretted choosing this option. You said you aint sure how you feel towards me. Honestly, I don’t know how I feel towards you too. Maybe that’s the result of you hurting me too much.

Have you ever truly loved me? I did. I just want to save the best of everything for you, and I know that I can’t. For you, I can give up everything. But I know, you can’t and that’s the reason why we can’t be together.

The world don’t stop for you and me, it still goes on.

I wish that you enjoy your big blast with your girlfriend. You’ll be 21 next year, an adult. Grow up and do things using your brain. Fight is not always the solution. Wish you happiness((:

life is ….

Unknowingly it seemed like more and more people are aware of the relationship between *** and me.

But at the same time, the relationship between us is over too. Had a good talk, a good cry and knowing that this kind of relationship will only hurt even more.

I can give up everything to be with him, but .. he can’t. And I won’t. Its spelt game-over. I don’t want to know anymore. I wish him all the best, but a feeling tells me that his girlf is not cherishing him. Or rather, I see no future in them. But again, I am in no position to say this. Like what I told him, girlf is one that he picked, it’s his choice. To love or not to love, it’s your decision.

He told me to delete all the photos we had, all the memories we kept. Have already thrown away some, but decided to keep the photos.

And suddenly, I remembered about Melvin and recalled about what *** says about all the guys that are intending to be with me. What a joke.

After the cry, I felt much more relief. It doesnt hurt as much as the previous times. I know I am ready to move on.

========================================

It’s just another 2 more weeks to 2nd April, a date when Gordon needs an answer. I don’t know what to reply him.

Sometimes, I missed him. Sometimes, I feel that I need him. I guessed my relationship with him had became a habit. He have done so much for me, what have I done for him? This relationship shouldn’t have even started in the first place.

When I thought ‘Aunt Agnes’ is the most suitable person that I could talk to, I realised that he’s not. Why did I find out that he deliberately hide something that I need to know. Or maybe it’s for my own good. I’m not angry, I don’t blame anyone, I am just a little bit disappointed.

Sometimes, I blamed myself for being stupid.

I told Gordon that I lied before, but did not tell him why. I don’t intend to let him know. Yes, say that I am bad and stuffs but … this is the game rule, my last resort. I know I should leave him, but he’s trying all ways to keep me. Teach me how do I be more heartless. I can’t do it. Or should I just start afresh with him, or move on.

Somewhat, this scene felt familiar. Can’t remember what’s my decision after that.

Can I have a peek of my future?

interesting life of mine.

Why are there so many funny people appearing lately.

A random 14 years old girl popped out in MSN and started relating her relationship problem and her sex experience -.- SHE’S FOURTEEN! OMG to the max.

A random guy added me in gunbound and asked for sex. like super wth! told him to fk off, not interested in talking to him and DELETE ((:

Work is getting lighter, but … still dont feel like going to work. Today is the worst day. Initially, I was early for work. BUT … because the cargo lift was busy loading goods to level 6 (office @ level 7), I was stuck there for a super long time. Worried that I will be late, I left the cargo lift at level 6 and walked the stairs up. To my SUPER TERRIFYING HORROR! The door cannot be opened from outside. So, left with no choice, I had to walk down to level 1 again to take that stupid cargo lift. !@#$%^&*

On computer, stupid intranet couldn’t be access. Wasted 20 mins to fix that problem. AND then, printer played stun. Sighs.

What a day.

Gum/tooth still aching. =( But not as swollen, so I guess it’s not wisdom tooth?
Too dumb to have wisdom tooth.

My aircon is killing me. HOT!!!

he’s an asshole. YES, he is.

GUM ACHE!

I can’t eat .. and talk much if it’s very swollen.

Each time I see iTech’s book, I feel like sleeping. Been mugging since Sat, not much progression. Especially when that STUPID, USELESS, DUMBEST superior of mine message in the late morning. PLUS a quarrel with Gordon = SUPER DUPER moodless.

So you think you are big! You are just a tiny tinky winky small fry in my eyes. Your rider schedule changes 3 times a week, so how do you expect people to follow that darn bloody schedule. And for your information, I do not even own one of the schedule. You always plan our schedule at the very last minute, like SUNDAY when everyone have to wait and wonder if they are working the next day.

Probably you should try sitting down on one of the peak season with 3 people answering calls and with only less than 20 riders working. How dumb can you be to put 2.5 people working on the second day of chinese new year. Why 0.5, because half of the day she is not on her desk leaving Yurong and me answer calls like mad. We do not even have time to eat our lunch. The headset never left my ear. ASSHOLE. and you still called in to complain. Like what the hell.

Despite answering the calls SLOWLY, we still answered more than 150 calls per person. I think that 0.5 person answered 70+. Sales are lesser than Christmas, but is much much more busier than Christmas. And that stupid Uncle Foo kept walking in and out of call center.

ASSHOLE! SUCKY BOSS! Probably you should try working and understand our situation before scolding us with your brainless resources. Definitely quits once I find a better job. Been saying that like a million years but … hadn’t got a better job yet. But anyway, I feel that I am going to be jobless soon. Cos I scolded him.

I hate you boss. You suck!. Go kiss the wall! ((:

life is a hassle

I just realised that I hadn’t been eating much lately. I could survive half a meal for the entire day. It’s so unlike me.

Gordon and me had a huge fight again.

How well can a person hide their emotions?

Why do I take love so seriously. Why do you want to lie to yourself.

The more I try, the harder it gets. You can lie to the whole wide world, but you can’t lie to yourself. I do not understand single side love. I realised, CS and him belong to the same category.

I miss my baby.
Look forward for a brighter future.
My life is blessed, I should work hard for my happiness.

1 more year to graduation. 1 more year to workforce. Should I go uni?